


What We Don't Say

by bakers_impala221



Series: Words We Should Say [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, BBC Sherlock - Freeform, Canon Compliant, Canon Universe, Canonical Character Death, Death, Grieving, John Watson - Freeform, Johnlock - Freeform, Love, Love-confession, M/M, Post-Reichenbach, Reichenbach, Romance, Sherlock Holmes - Freeform, TJLC, Texting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-16
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-02-15 10:52:10
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13029501
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bakers_impala221/pseuds/bakers_impala221
Summary: After Sherlock's death, John can't handle blogging, so he texts Sherlock's old number instead





	1. Chapter 1

11th November

 **11:58pm** Hello? Is there anyone on this number?

 

1st December

 **9:02pm** Hi. Is this number being used?

 **9:04pm** I was just wondering because my old friend used to have this number, so if it’s been changed, please let me know so I can delete it from my phone

 

9th December

 **7:18pm** I got a new therapist. Visited her for the first time today

 **7:18pm** She’s nice

 

16th December

 **7:09pm** My therapist says I should continue with the blog. I don’t want to though. It doesn’t feel right going back there. To the memories of before. They’re meant for the past

 **7:15pm** Again, if someone has this number, please let me know so I can delete it

 

17th December

 **8:00pm** I went back to work again today. Sarah told me to take more time off but I decided I’d had enough of sitting around at home on my own

 **8:01pm** Work was boring. But being alone was worse. At least this way I can take my mind of stuff, you know? Have something to distract me from the silence. I never thought I would, but I really miss your noisiness

 **8:01pm** At least it was better than this

 

19th December

 **8:56pm** Work was boring

 **8:56pm** Still better than silence though

 

23rd December

 **7:25pm** Sarah made me finish early. She also said I wasn’t to come in until the 27th at least. I think she thinks she’s being kinder that way. Encouraging me to visit family, or something. I don’t want to though.

 **7:26pm** I think Greg wants me to meet up with him. I don’t know how to turn him down. He’s been asking for months. I don’t really fancy going to a pub, which is probably what he has in mind. I probably should go out anyway. Meet new people. Socialise. But that stuff never clicked with me anyway. I supposed I really should go. Maybe it’ll take my mind off things for a bit

 

24th December

 **3:34pm** Greg’s called. He invited me to some Christmas party. Just like I thought. I still don’t fancy going but I said yes anyway. Hopefully it won’t be too full. Especially of the sort of people who are going to take pity. I hate the pitying looks. I still get them on the street, sometimes

 **3:34pm** When I go out, I mean

 

25th December

 **12:00am** Merry Christmas, Sherlock

 

 **4:20am** I jusf got home/ Stumpled a bit on thr way, I thinh

 **4:21am** Gatherin- wad oK. Gref god bit concened Bout the beers I thgnk. Hax to carry me hime.

 **4:29am** Hos you doinh Sherly> havnt seem you ib a wile. Yoo shoold come bi somtime

 **4:30am** I misx talkin tu you

 **4:30am** I miss yoy

 

 **11:17am** I just woke up. My head actually feels ok. Can’t say I wasn’t surprised by that. I drank quite a bit last night

 **11:34am** Mrs. H made me come down for breakfast and tea. We didn’t talk much but we exchanged small presents. It was nice

 

 **2:10pm** Harry came by. She just left though. She brought a new girlfriend with her. She seemed nice but I still miss Clara

 

 **11:28pm** Haven’t really done much today. Mrs. H came up to keep me company for a few hours but she left at about 6 when someone rang the doorbell. It was probably a friend. More interesting company than me, anyway. I’m not exactly the most interesting of company. Can’t say I ever was. I’ll never really understand why you decided I could be

 **11:29pm** I don’t suppose I’ll ever understand half the things you did, really

 **11:29pm** I wish you could have stayed. Everything would be easier if you had

 **11:59pm** One minute left of the worst Christmas of my life

 

27th December

 **9:09pm:** Sarah wasn’t particularly pleased when I showed for work this morning. She seemed even less happy with my decision to stay longer than usual. But doctors aren’t any less-needed at Christmas. Neither is the distraction, for me.

 **9:11pm** I didn’t manage to meet anyone for Boxing Day. I can’t say I’m really that disappointed. But I know I should be. It’s just hard to care sometimes.

 

30th December

 **3:16am** Sarah made me take a holiday again until the 2nd. I don’t want the break. The new year means nothing besides the first year without you. I don’t want that. To keep moving forwards. I just want to go back to before. It was so much easier

 

 **3:48am** Can’t sleep

 **4:09am** Can’t sleep without you

 

31st December

 **11:52pm** So there it is. A new year. People celebrating. Laughing. Shouting. I envy them. They get so much more than I do. Another year to start over. To do something new. But all it means to me is a year without you. A year you never get to have. I don’t want it to come. I don’t want this one to be over

 **11:59pm** This is it. The last minute of the last year you ever got to live.

 **11:59pm** I’m scared


	2. Chapter 2

1st January

 **12:00am** So there it is, the new year. The first one without you in it.

 **12:04am** It’s funny. I don’t really feel anything different. I suppose significant events just don’t seem significant when they happen. Everything that makes them important is the lead up of the days before.

 **12:04am** I hate the new year without you

 **12:05am** I hate the world without you

 

2nd January

 **6:00am** I’m going back to work today. It’ll be a good distraction, I hope

 

10th January

 **10:31pm** It’s strange how different things can be without one person in your life

 **10:31pm** It’s hard to be here now. To watch people with their happiness. I know I shouldn’t say that I need you, but I think I kind of do. My life is meaningless now. There’s nothing to look forward to anymore. I can’t stand the thought of waking up to a house you used to live in, only to find it empty every morning. It’s all too much. I hate it here, but I know that I can’t leave. I can’t leave behind the life I used to have with you

11th January

 **3:14am** I can’t see any point in living anymore

 

25th January

 **12:50am** I’ve tried staying away from this. I don’t think holding onto anything of you is going to help me move on. But I can’t stop coming back to this. Pretending that you might really be seeing this. That you might really be out there still

 **12:51am** I’ve tried to tell myself that there’s no point in believing. In holding onto faith. But I know you. I don’t care what anyone has ever said. You weren’t a fake

 **12:51am** You couldn’t have faked being such an annoying dick all the time

 **12:52am** That was one of the last things I ever said to you

 **12:52am** I should have been kinder

 

30th January

 **10:28pm** I came across some of your old stashes. I thought of using. But that would make me a hypocrite

 **10:29pm** Though I suppose I don’t see why not. My only reason for living is gone

 **10:29pm** You shouldn’t have jumped

 **10:30pm** Or maybe you just shouldn’t have jumped without me

 

4th March

 **10:00pm** I met someone today. Her name was Mary. She seemed to understand me well. It was nice

 

13th March

 **9:16pm** I was wandering around the flat for a bit today. I think I’ve finally come to the realisation that it’d be easier someplace else

 **9:16pm** I can’t believe I’m saying it. I never believed I would be saying it. But I’m leaving Baker Street

 **9:17pm** I just hope things will be easier this way

 **9:17pm** Sorry, Sherlock

 

29th March

 **7:10pm** I’ve moved everything out. All the old useless stuff is gone. I’m starting over. Hopefully things will get better now

 

2nd April

 **10:20pm** Mary asked me out for dinner today. I said yes. She’s nice to talk to

 

13th April

 **12:45am** Mary and I have been on two dates now. She’s still ok. It’s still hard. I think she gets it though. It’s a nice change

 

15th May

 **11:29pm** The last month with Mary has been good. I like her. It’s still hard, but things are getting easier. I still miss you all the time though. I can’t stop thinking about you. Especially when I’m around her

 **11:30pm** I can’t stop remembering what happened. I can’t stop thinking about it. I know you weren’t always the nicest person but you still deserved better

 **11:30pm** Well of course you did. No one would deserve that

 **11:31pm** It’s strange. I keep thinking about how you were and what you did. How you helped so many people. Sometimes you went about it the wrong way but there’s no denying that you were a good man. You don’t have to be a hero to be worth something

 **11:31pm** I’m sorry it took me this long to see that

 **11:32pm** I still miss you but I think I’m finally starting to move on

 

25th May

 **3:00am** I can’t breathe properly

 **3:02am** Yesterday was normal. Everything was fine. And now it’s not

 **3:03am** I’ve still been visiting the therapist. I keep telling her I’m fine, that everything’s good, or at least getting better. She’s still worried. Still tells me to keep coming back. I didn’t understand it before, but I think I do now.

 **3:31am** I wasn’t lying to her. But it wasn’t the truth. I just didn’t know it

 **3:31am** I think everything’s just gotten to the point where I’m so used to feeling empty that I don’t notice it anymore. As though it’s what’s normal

 **3:32am** I don’t feel empty anymore though

 **3:35am** Work was exhausting. I didn’t even have many patients but I was exhausted. Sarah sent me home early. I objected but she wouldn’t listen. When I got home I collapsed. My entire body felt as though weights were being pushed onto it. I could barely move. I only just made it to the sofa. I stayed like that for a while. Just resting. Then I think I fell asleep. When I woke up everything felt different. Not heavy anymore… sort of lighter, instead. At first it was relieving but then I realised it wasn’t good. It felt different, not good.

 **3:37am** I sat there staring at the wall for about an hour. And then suddenly the answer just… occurred to me. I walked to my bedroom and opened the draw and found what I was looking for. The gun. I picked it up and held it for a few minutes then walked over to my bed and sat down. I just… held it. In my hands. Feeling the trigger. Feeling the potential it had. Then it was overwhelming. This need for the end. It wasn’t scary, I wasn’t frightened by it. I just felt calm. I put the gun to my mouth, loaded and ready, and held it there. Preparing myself. Preparing to die.

 **3:37am** And then I put it down. And it was over. The gun’s back in the draw, my life’s still not over

 **3:38am** Then it finally occurred to me what I’d been about to do. It became hard to breathe

 **3:40am** Then I just kept thinking about it more and more. Your life. My life. Your death. I just keep thinking about it all the time and it never stops. And I don’t think it will. I’m so consumed by the need to have you back that I’m never getting over this. I know that now. Sometimes things get better for a moment and I can forget. But the fact is that I will always end up here, by myself for a moment, and there’ll be nothing to distract me from the memories. And the pain. And today I think I realised for the first time that I’m not going to last much longer. Just as I wouldn’t have lasted more than a few days longer if I hadn’t met you. I need you, Sherlock. I need you

 **3:40am** And there’s no replacing what I lost when I lost you

 **3:40am** I really need you to come back


	3. Chapter 3

1st June

 **11:12pm** I’ve seen my therapist again. I think I really have gotten a bit better. Even she agrees. I didn’t tell her about last week. I don’t want her to know. Mary seems happier too. Like she’s having to deal with me less now that I’m getting better. I think I really like her. She’s not you, but she’s something. Something’s better than what I had before

 

3rd June

 **10:18pm** Mrs. H has been calling a bit recently. She called again today. I didn’t pick up

 **10:20pm** We haven’t spoken since I moved out. She calls sometimes but I don’t answer. It’s hard to explain but it’s just… hard. The idea of speaking to someone from the life I had with you. Who makes me think of you because they actually knew you. Rather than because of the way they look. Or how I see them. And I think about it every day. About calling her. And every day it just seems to get harder and harder to pick up the phone

 

8th June

 **2:37am** Went to a pub yesterday with Mike. I didn’t really want to go but he passed me by on the street and I didn’t know how to say no. I won’t be taking that route home anymore. Either that or I’ll have to learn how to make good excuses quickly

 **2:38am** So we went to the nearest pub for a few beers. I wasn’t planning on staying long but then Greg showed up with Molly. Greg made some joke about his surprise at my presence and then somehow I ended up with another beer in my hand. I managed to refuse enough to keep from getting drunk but I still didn’t manage to get out for a few hours

 **2:40am** Anyway Molly seemed to be well. Though she did spend the entire night glancing at me guiltily. I guess she could see I didn’t want to be there much

 

11th June

 **9:20pm** I yelled at a patient today. Sarah sent me home early. I can’t say I blame her

 

14th June

 **10:23pm** I yelled at another patient today. Sort of almost attacked them. It seems strange to say but I sort of thought it was you

 

15th June

 **2:33am** God I miss you

 **2:45am** I miss you so. much.

 

 **6:27am** I’m going to the therapist again today. I wasn’t going to see her for another week but Mary’s making me go

 

 **5:30pm** I yelled at the therapist. She said it’s grief. That it’s normal to feel angry. That it was understandable. I nearly hit her

 **5:30pm** Why does everything have to be understandable?

 **5:31pm** Sometimes things just aren’t okay and people should just… say that. What’s the point in hiding behind grief? Blaming it for everything? I don’t see the point in hiding behind these excuses. In pretending that it’s not just my fault

 **5:31pm** It is my fault. Everything’s my fault.

 **5:31pm** You shouldn’t be dead

 

16th June

 **12:00am** Today is the day. It’s been a year. A whole fucking year.

 **12:00am** One year, today, you jumped off a building in front of my eyes. I watched your blood run on the pavement. One year from today I spoke the last words I ever said to you. And you said your last words. Your confession. Your goodbye.

 **12:01am** I still can’t believe I had to face that. I can’t believe you’re really gone. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I couldn’t stop you from jumping. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you from that fall. I’m sorry I couldn’t save you

 **12:02am** I would give anything to have you back. Anything in the world

 **12:02am** I’ve spent so much of my life alone. I never appreciated you enough for helping me. I never appreciated enough the time I had with you.

 **12:03am** If there’s anything life has taught me. It’s that a world without Sherlock Holmes is a world not worth living in

 

 **3:00am** I still can’t sleep

 **3:00am** It’s funny. I’ve never really liked emotions. I mean, I am an emotional person. I feel emotions. But I’m not any good at talking about them. About how I feel

 **3:01am** It’s hard though. It’s hard for me to say how much something really hurts when I’m in pain. And I am. I’m in a lot of pain. I still miss you, Sherlock. I still miss you as much as I have since the day you left

 **3:01am** And it hurts so much. Because I _still love you_

 **3:01am** And I never told you. I never told you how much you meant to me because it was too hard

 **3:01am** You were my best friend, and I know you’d kill me for calling you that, but you were. And I didn’t know how to say it. To tell you how I really felt. And now it’s too late. An entire year too late

 **3:02am** And I’m in love with you, Sherlock. I always have been. I have loved you since the moment I realised you could cure me. You fixed my leg. You fixed my loneliness. You saved me. Just in general. As a person. You were the only person who ever made me feel like I wanted to keep living

 **3:10am** I’m sorry I never told you while you were alive. While I could

 **3:10am** I’m sorry I never told you until it was too late

 **3:10am** I guess what we don’t say, we write

 

 **4:04am** I know I’ve said this before. But if you’re out there somewhere. If you’re still alive. If you really are reading this. Please, Sherlock. I just need one more miracle

 **4:05am** Come home

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe how close it is to Christmas.  
> Sorry. I won't be updating again until after Christmas, because you know... festivities.  
> As the world's most introverted person, I always promise myself that I'll socialise during Christmas, so I won't have any time for writing for a while.  
> <3


	4. Chapter 4

2nd October

 **5:03pm:** Greg came ‘round today. He had a box of your old things. Meaningless stuff, really. It’s not like they could ever actually represent you. It’s just the stuff we collect over the years. Meaningless.

 **5:03pm:** I hadn’t seen him for a while. I haven’t seen anyone recently. I’m really trying to let go of the past, but I can’t do it, can I? Go back to life ‘pre-Sherlock’.

 **5:04pm** There was a DVD in the box. It was the uncut version of the video that played at my birthday you refused to go to. It was funny watching again. I guess I’d known that you were just avoiding the people, but it was more than that. Something about seeing you moving again, talking again. It was unreal.

 **5:04pm** I can’t believe I’d forgotten the sound of your voice.

 **5:09pm:** For a second I thought you were alive

 **5:13pm:** You were spaced out, figuring out what to do. And I

 **5:15pm:** I spoke again. I spoke out loud. As if you could hear me.

 **5:15pm:** And then you did

 **5:20pm:** Well I thought you did

 **5:30pm:** I can’t believe how much I miss you

 **5:30pm:** I can’t believe how much I need to hear your voice

 **5:31pm:** You can’t imagine how much I need to see you

 **5:31pm:** And maybe I would, if it weren’t for Mary

 

 **6:14pm:** I live with her, now

 **6:14pm:** I moved out of Baker St a while ago. As you’d know. That is, if you were reading these

 **6:17pm:** Are you reading these, Sherlock?

 

 **11:00pm:** You cannot comprehend how much I want you to be reading these.

 **11:01pm:** You can’t understand how much I need you to be alive right now

 **11:01pm:** You could never understand how much I need you to be here right now

 

3rd October

 **2:05am:** I still love you, you moron

 

 **3:04am:** You told me yesterday

 **3:04am:** You told me that you’d be with me again soon

 **3:06am:** I’m still waiting. I don’t think I ever stopped waiting

 **3:06am:** Where the fuck are you, you bastard

 

 **4:25am:** I just want to let you know that I’d forgive you.

 **4:25am:** If that’s what’s keeping you away, you don’t have to worry. I’ll forgive you. I’ll _always_ forgive you. Always, Sherlock. _Always_.

 **4:25am:** I just thought I should let you know that

 

4th October

 **8:11pm:** Hey, Sherlock

 **8:11pm:** I know you’re not reading this anyway, but

 **8:12pm:** I’ve come to say goodbye

 **8:13pm:** I know that this isn’t doing me any good. I’ve been trying to move on for over a year now, and I can’t. Not if I keep using this, coming back and being reminded that you’re gone. And that you’re staying gone

 **8:14pm:** I still see your face in the crowd sometimes. I still look up and think ‘oh god, he’s back’. One day I yelled at someone I thought was you

 **8:15pm:** And it’s not helping. It’s really not

 **8:15pm:** I can’t do this anymore. I still believe in you, I always did and I always will. But I can’t keep depending my life on someone who can’t save me anymore

 **8:16pm:** Because yes, that’s what you did. You saved me. You might not be a hero. You might not consider yourself a hero. But you saved me. You gave me something to live for. And even if you took that away from me again, it doesn’t mean it was worthless. Anyway, I was the one who owed you. You didn’t owe me anything. Ever. But you gave it to me anyway. And that’s more than I can ever thank you for

 **6:17pm:** You were a miracle. A blessing, I suppose. I could do with a bit more of that, of course, but it’s not like I even deserved it to begin with.

 **6:17pm:** I was so ordinary. So broken. And yet you chose me anyway. And that was everything. Everything I could have asked for

 **6:18pm:** You’ve never owed me anything. But I do still want you to come home. If you will, please

 **6:20pm:** But as you probably won’t, I have to find something else to live for. Hope for. And that’s where Mary comes in. I have her, now, and I should focus on that. Focus on what I do have, rather than what I don’t. What I want.

 **6:21pm:** She’s enough to live for, and that’s enough. So I have to leave. I have to stop all of this before I go insane. Well, more insane. I’m going to say goodbye on my blog, too, but I just had to tell you first

 **6:22pm:** So, Sherlock, for whatever it’s worth. I love you. And goodbye


	5. Chapter 5

5th November

 ** **12:10pm:**** So yes, I’m back again. But this time it’s the last time. I just have news

 ** **12:11pm:**** I’m getting married. Well, I’m going to ask, anyway

 ** **12:12pm:**** I just visited your grave to tell you but. I don’t know. I had to tell you here, too.

 ** **12:13pm:**** I’m on the train at the moment. I’m on my way to see Mrs. H for the first time since I moved out. She’s probably going to be angry, but that’s okay. I’m still a bit angry. At me. At you. At everything.

 ** **12:14pm:**** Well, I won’t be back again, so I suppose it’s goodbye. Again.

 ** **12:20pm:**** Goodbye ** **  
****


End file.
